It is the least, or
the most to wish for being rejected for your own mistakes. Not for what someone
else has told about you. Things that are not
true, biased, or otherwise invalid. You hope that people
close to you form their own opinions and are open about it.
You can be
completely unprepared for your assumptions, your understanding of a situation,
of a relationship, not matching the reality of another person.
I feel erased. Like
in an old family photograph where one figure is slowly fading away. This
disease consumes every space, there is almost no room for me. ‘I am not MS, I
have MS.’ Often said; now I know what it means.
My vision is
troubled, speech is not always clear, handwriting unrecognizable (if I can hold
a pen), in my room there is a lift to transfer me from bed to wheelchair and
I am not the mother
I’d like to be, cannot be a professional anymore. It could be worse. It’s bad enough
and I didn’t hit the bottom yet.
Let me find
something positive to think and do about.
Lesson. I watched a very inspiring, long conversation with Frans de Waal, primatologist, on TV a while ago. Among other things, he talked about empathy and sympathy. Being mainly female or male characteristics, hormonally controlled.
Made me think about differences, expectations, equality.
It is really
something one should learn, to handle disappointment. If you are looking
forward to something; don’t consider it as a promise, rather as a likelihood. Don’t be afraid to
wish for things, or things to happen. Don’t be afraid to
fall. Learn to get up and go again.