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Monday, December 18, 2017

In time

I will wait for you,
As long as it takes.
I will wait for you,
As long as I can.

Even if you never find me,
I will wait for you.
Even if you never look for me,
I hope you’ll know that I waited.

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

Care.
My baby boy is growing up to be strong and caring.
I remember, when I was pregnant with him, I met two teenage boys.
I was affected by their presence in the room.
I thought: if I can ever have THAT around…

That moment is now. And I’m blessed.

Joy.
My eldest son shared a song with me. Oh, sweet youth. He is almost a young man. Independent and sensitive.
I feel blessed.

I was dancing from the inside, over and over again.
I loved dancing when I was young, this just gave me a trip back in time.

Funny, very much a girl-song.

Sunday, November 19, 2017

Rejection.
It is the least, or the most to wish for being rejected for your own mistakes. Not for what someone else has told about you. Things that are not true, biased, or otherwise invalid. You hope that people close to you form their own opinions and are open about it.

You can be completely unprepared for your assumptions, your understanding of a situation, of a relationship, not matching the reality of another person.

But there are no guarantees.
Anyway, do not assume.

Friday, November 17, 2017

Heartfelt.
Do you know the feeling, when your heart bursts out with love? Just being in the right moment, or seeing the right colour, hearing the right sound?
Do you recognize the situation, when you can’t share it with anyone? When you don’t even have to?
Just keep it to yourself.

Try to be a little more at ease. A bit more accepting.
Let the silence surround you, listen to yourself.

Friday, November 3, 2017

Objection.
You are right because you’re in power.
You’re in power because you are right.

And I object. With every fibre, with every cell; I object.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

Hermaphrodites.
It would be good to be like snails.
If two persons meet and like each other,
they decide together who will be the boy and who will be the girl. All according to the need of the situation.

I like the idea.

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Decomposition.
I feel erased. Like in an old family photograph where one figure is slowly fading away. This disease consumes every space, there is almost no room for me. ‘I am not MS, I have MS.’ Often said; now I know what it means.

My vision is troubled, speech is not always clear, handwriting unrecognizable (if I can hold a pen), in my room there is a lift to transfer me from bed to wheelchair and back.

I am not the mother I’d like to be, cannot be a professional anymore. It could be worse. It’s bad enough and I didn’t hit the bottom yet.

Let me find something positive to think and do about.

Friday, October 13, 2017

Crossroads.
I’m at a crossroads. Thinking of the lives I haven’t lived. Which way to go? 
I believe in self-determination.

Amongst all inhibitions my disease lays on me, I feel free. What lies ahead of me, whether it is five minutes, or twenty years; I have a choice. With this choice I feel rich.

Choose the right direction. Choose meaning, altruism, content, love.

Thursday, October 12, 2017

Malicious.
Being malicious is a reaction to how life is (in other words other people are) treating you.

It takes enormous strength, maybe faith, in any case self-control, to remain benevolent in all circumstances.

But you have your whole life to practise.

Thursday, September 28, 2017

Trust again.
All of us have Jekyll and Hyde in ourselves.
Some in balance, some not.
Good and evil cannot exist independently, it seems.

Does it depend on the situation, or the person
which one you get to see?

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Hypothesis.
Death is not the opposite of life, but of birth.
Our fear of dying could mirror the memory of being born, if we could consciously remember it.
Must be dreadful, to be born.

Our concept of a process (life) includes a beginning and an ending (birth/death).
It is impossible to comprehend anything other than something that is, or is not and everything in between.

Consolation?

Friday, September 8, 2017

Age again and again.
Age is the cage. Oscar Wilde repeatedly:
“The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.”

What does it really mean?
Being mentally young, when the body cannot keep up?
Not taking troubles so severely anymore, but having physical discomfort instead?
Not having the time left to put experience into practice?

‘The picture of Dorian Gray’ is an intriguing book.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

Hardship.
In my ideal world relationships –friendships, partnerships, family ties, all kinds of human relations and contacts- are determined by empathy and understanding.
But the world is not ideal; fighting one another is the definition.

It is difficult to disengage from the battle whether you were the attacker, or you started out defending yourself. You won’t be able to stop first without being hurt.

Try to avoid situations where, or people for whom winning is the only goal.

Monday, August 28, 2017

What if.
What if women are the ‘crown of creation’ instead of men? Does it really matter?
Differences are the wealth of humankind.

Equality is the right to be different in all things you cannot choose for.

Sunday, August 27, 2017

Saying.
I heard a sentence a while ago, with an insecure origin. Something like this:
‘You suffer the most from the suffering you fear the most.’

Hmm, what a cliché, I thought.
But, like all truisms, it has some validity to it.

Certainly for me; it helped me pulling myself out of trouble’s way.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Lesson.
I watched a very inspiring, long conversation with Frans de Waal, primatologist, on TV a while ago. Among other things, he talked about empathy and sympathy. Being mainly female or male characteristics, hormonally controlled.

Made me think about differences, expectations, equality.



Saturday, August 19, 2017

Sorrow.
There was a huge goat willow in the tiny garden of my old house. She was almost like a person to me, it was a female tree.
For more than ten years I could prevent it from being cut down, with help of my neighbours. Just before I moved to a new place the landlord ordered it to be chopped down.

I kept a few pieces of the wood, this spring one of them grew a little green twig.
After almost half a year it was still alive! Now it is not anymore.

I was astonished by this endurance and liveliness. A tragedy too. I consider it an example to be followed.

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Children again and again and again.
So strong. Clever and sensitive.
I wish you all your ambitions and desires fulfilled.
Health and prosperity.

I’m proud of you both.


Sunday, July 9, 2017

Fight.
I remember the moment I engaged in a fight.
The naivity that made me think I could explain myself. That I should explain myself.
Now I know better.

Stop fighting and stop awaiting appreciation.

Friday, July 7, 2017

Lost and found.
Courage, once lost now found again.
Yesterday was burdensome.
Today is still challenging.
Tomorrow will be welcoming.

I know.

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Fire.
If you play with fire, you will burn yourself.
I was always quick enough to step aside before the flames got me. The attraction was stronger than the fear.

Not this time. This time I’m burnt.

Slowly I recover and find the strength to proceed.


Tuesday, May 30, 2017

How was..

Another one of my favorites of the Hungarian poet Gyula Juhász, in my own translation.

How blond she was, I don’t know anymore,
But I know that blond are the fields,
When the golden summer comes, wealthy in grain
In this gold I can feel her again.

How blue her eyes were, I don’t know anymore,
But if the autumn skies brighten,
At the weary september goodbye
I recall the colour of her eye.

How soft her voice was, I don’t know anymore,
But in springtime, when the meadow sighs,
I hear the warm words of Anna, it seems,
Sounding from a spring faraway, like celestial heights.



Saturday, May 20, 2017

I guard your eyes

Another one of my favorite poems, also by the Hungarian poet Endre Ady, in my own translation:

With my aging hands
I hold your hand,
With my aging eyes
I guard your eyes.

Amidst the decay of the world,
Ancient savage, haunted by fear,
I landed with you
And I rest with you scared.

With my aging hands
I hold your hand,
With my aging eyes
I guard your eyes.

I don’t know why, how long,
I’ll stay with you,
But I hold your hand
And I guard your eyes.



I’d love to be loved 

Here is one of my favorite poems of the Hungarian poet, Endre Adyin my own translation: 

I am neither successor, nor happy ancestor, 
Neither a relative, nor an acquaintance
I'm for nobody, 
I'm for nobody

Like all humans I am: greatness, 
Northern rock, secret, strangeness,
Delusive, distant light, 
Delusive, distant light

But, oh, I cannot stay this way, 
I want to show myself
To be noted and seen, 
To be noted and seen

Therefore all: lament and singing: 
I would love to be loved,
I would be of someone, 
I would be of someone

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Age again.
Little things become more important with the loss of prospect. Recognizing the worth of detail has become the way to progress. The time of big gestures has given space to small thoughts.

A taste of the world around.


Sunday, April 30, 2017

Superiority.
To think one is superior to others by pointing at their mistakes is wrong.
Being insightful about oneself – your own troubles - is a better choice. If everyone would think about their own wrongdoings, the world would be a better place.

Supremacy is not a real goal, self-knowledge is.


Friday, April 28, 2017

Youth.
It is not easy to be young.
Facing the same problems as everyone, without the protection of experience.
Oscar Wilde said once ‘Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.’
Thinking that thought further; when you’re young you’ve not had the time to make enough wrong decisions to learn from them. To learn how to learn from mistakes.

You can envy the young, but it is not right to think life is easier on them.


Sunday, April 16, 2017

Control.
Regrouping myself. I don’t know whether it is an illusion or reality, being in control.
One is not supposed to consciously experience being written out of the ‘daily soap’.

What I know for sure is that it is a decadent and luxurious habit to be busy with existential problems.

Celebrating life and those close to me is what matters.


Saturday, April 8, 2017

Dark colours.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
The five stages of coping with loss and grief according to Kübler–Ross.
I have the delightful possibility to go through the process again and again. Not all of them everytime; acceptance is rather hard to achieve and denial is not a reality for me any longer.

But dark colours are brightening. Every leaf unfolding on a branch is a victory of life.
Spring is in the air. Let the sun shine.

Friday, March 17, 2017

Waiting again.
It’s not that I like to wait.
I’m not at all used to go along meekly.

Impatience is not something I can afford anymore.
I cannot find meaning in having to accept inability.
Still, I’m contemplating this ‘being ill of mine’.

Looking for a better way to cope.

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Ambition.
Was accustomed to shaping my future.
When you are young and healthy and your circumstances allow it, that’s what you do. 
That’s called luxury.

Now I realize it is exceptional not to be inhibited by disease, or war, or poverty, or culture.

Trying to get something good out of being ill.


Friday, March 3, 2017

Let me share a link to my page : Mokum Alef Film
The film I made in 2015, Mokum Aleph, is released online. I gladly invite you to watch it.

The film is a portrait of the city of Amsterdam, a witness for ages, 
of flown times, vanished people.

Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Time and time again.
Facing the same challenge as often.
Keeping my integrity, at least trying to.
It is absolving to be forced to peel off the layers of my personality.

And a force this disease is.
I have never met anything more overwhelming.

Reinventing myself.


Thursday, February 16, 2017

Don’t look back.
When saying farewell is too painful, don’t look back.
When a goodbye makes you leave a part of you behind, don’t look back.

Going forth is progress. Focusing on the future is constructive. Hope is looking forward. A wish is trying to enter tomorrow.

Striding ahead till there are no more steps left to stride.


Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Expectations.
It is really something one should learn, to handle disappointment. If you are looking forward to something; don’t consider it as a promise, rather as a likelihood. Don’t be afraid to wish for things, or things to happen. Don’t be afraid to fall. Learn to get up and go again.

Not depending on one’s own ideas.


Wednesday, February 8, 2017

Free will.
Free will has become fictitious for me. Perhaps it is imaginary anyway.

Normally it is restrained between social boundaries.
One can call that conscience. Common sense.
Having a physical barrier in addition makes me think twice about every ambition. It also causes an external confrontation above the internal one.

Reevaluating every need.


Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Error.
I am wrong. Wrong to think that everything can be fixed. It is a mistake assuming that if only… then things would be better. Because things will never be the same again. They won’t be like before.

It is not bad. Good to start anew, to reinvent the wheel.
Even though the wheel is a perfect device, it is possible to move forward by other means.
It only needs an invention.

Only. If only.


Saturday, January 28, 2017

Hope again.
Change is good. It is also confronting.
I turned myself inside out to make circumstances better fitting my situation.
But now I find that all the improvements for the benefit of us all; really, my whole family is better off, make me face my disability more.

I could blame my old unfit way of living for everything that wasn’t possible.
Now I have nothing but my own handicap to consider.

Starting from scratch.


Thursday, January 12, 2017

Illness.
‘That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.’ Nietzsche, probably. Good enough.
It was the favorite quote of my Grandmother, she knew all about it. I know a bit about it in the meantime.

I’m tasting the thought, trying to comprehend it. To find out how I can learn from it, how it would help me get through from one day to the next.

Is it easier to believe what one cannot understand? 
I am not accustomed to that.


Friday, January 6, 2017

Knowing.
Gaining knowledge is fun. Sharing it is even more a joyride. Communicating it is a bliss. Feeling the closeness of a kindred spirit is great.

Not being able to exchange thoughts, feelings, experiences makes one feel very lonely.

Trying to hibernate myself till better times.

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

Tomorrow.
A new life begins tomorrow. A fresh start. A clean slate.
I would like to be like a spider or a snake; throwing my old skin off. Envelopped in a shiny just out skin.

Conditioning myself into a better frame of the mind.