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Saturday, December 31, 2016

No.
A word with lots of different flavors.
No, not, nay, don’t, won’t, no way.
Something I hear and feel frequently.
I live with a gigantic ‘NO’ in my body.

Yes is my favorite word. Yes, oui, ja, igen, sí.
Yes is life, no is death. I choose life!

A happy new beginning!


Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Truth.
Everyone has his or her own reality.
The facts look you in the face differently than they do someone else. Your own interpretation changes the authenticity of things.

Objectivity and subjectivity battle each other to win your consent.


Saturday, December 17, 2016

Understanding.
It’s simpeler to comprehend someone else’s behavior
than to see through your own doings.

Experiencing the reaction of another person to one’s own action is like looking in a mirror on the wall.
In the best case it means feedback and not backfire.

Not evading interaction.


Wednesday, December 14, 2016


Children again and again.
When they were born, they were scatheless.
Unviolated by life.
I had to get used to the hurts from the outside and from the inside too.

They have their own path to follow.
Protecting them from scratches would be preventing them from learning their own lessons.


Thursday, December 1, 2016

Understatement.
You don’t know me. I don’ t recognize myself in the person you know me for.
A whole life, lot’s of thoughts, an abundance of feelings are meaningless for anyone but me.

The true essence of loneliness lies in words not understood, sounds not heard, images never seen.


Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Conclusion.
Ultimately life is a private matter, death is a private matter too. If you’re lucky, you can hop little islands of understanding that connect you to another person.

I had a lover once; I still remember the void I felt between our palms when holding hands.
I remember how happy I was held firmly in the next hand.
It is extraordinary; being touched by another soul and being able to reach another individual.

Living from one moment of proximity to the next.


Monday, November 21, 2016

Laughter.
I have never laughed as much as now in my whole life. It’s better to have fun instead of crying.
The grin on my face conceals weeping. Sometimes.

Laughing works liberating.
On the inside it keeps things in perspective.

Going strong.


Monday, November 14, 2016

Fear.
Afraid of losing my dignity. My self-esteem is not low.
Trying to hold on to my self-worth as if it was something one can possess.

It is better not to be trapped in my own head.
Not to let the disease confine me.

It is an ongoing fight.


Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Sure.
Every time I’m hit below the belt, I know I’m right.
I’m learning to be silent. I don’t have to fight back.

First I had to stand up for myself more, life taught me to do that. Now I need to learn to let it go.
Look inside more and perceive more of the world around me.

Being sure.


Monday, November 7, 2016

Regret.
Being regretful is a waste of time.
Things that happened in the past cannot be undone.
The only possibility is to make use of the opportunity to learn from past mistakes. Never to make them again.

Trying to appreciate and embrace life, even in lesser times.
This is the meaning of ‘carpe diem’ for me.


Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Time again.
Today is a bubble. Life is happening outside of it.
Tomorrow and the day after tomorrow invite me to visit. Yesterday pushed me into this day, but this day is almost entirely lost.

I have a lot to look forward to, big changes are on the way. Improvement, a better life, luck, determination, happiness, love surround me and fill me.

Waiting for better days.


Sunday, October 23, 2016

On the road.
It felt like home, being on the go.
In between places I wasn’t confronted with not belonging.

Now I am like a plant, rooted deeply.
In my head I’m loose, inside I’m feeling unbound.

Virtually free.



Friday, October 21, 2016

Age.
Aging took me by surprise. I wasn’t prepared to grow old. Like a hit and run; but it doesn’t run, it stays with me.

I’m not sure if this feeling has to do with becoming older, maybe it is brought about by being ill.
I don’t feel oldish. And I don’t mind ripening.

I’m beginning to understand that every person is entitled to their own evolution. I was fond of the idea of sharing my experience.
Of my children going further from the point I’ve reached. But it doesn’t work that way; everyone needs to reinvent the wheel.


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Past.
Looking back is sweet. Even the bad things are part of me. As if I have had many lives, each adding a distinctive aspect to the one I’m living.

Spent time is a companion for what is yet to come.
The unknown, but not uncertain.


Monday, October 3, 2016

Hope.
Hope is a funny thing. It is granted to aspire fulfillment. To stay close to reality one can alter desire, fine-tune expectations.

What about downfall? When the blow comes?
How do you protect yourself against setbacks?

Trying to confide in optimism. Pursuing happiness.



Saturday, September 24, 2016

Health.
I took it for granted. Never imagined that ability was something that could end. I didn’t have to. Nobody does; in the prime of your life you are chasing goals. That’s what you have to do, you don’t have to consider limitations.

The benefit of being ill is having insights that otherwise only would come with age. I hope I can apply them while I’m still in my capable days. While I can do something about it all.

Being old will bring more understanding. One is never old enough to stop learning, but you have to be self sufficient enough to make use of it.



Sunday, September 11, 2016

Problems.
They are like stepping stones. Like crossing a stream striding stone by stone.
Solving them brings one a step ahead.
How to deal with unsolvable issues?

Cutting them up in pieces may help. Solvable bits.
Sometimes that gives me a feeling I can succeed overcoming difficulties.



Sunday, August 28, 2016

Wherever.
Drifting from one place to another, it took years before I began to belong.
Now I seem to have difficulties to cut myself loose.
Never expected to earthen this way. Not wanting to leave again.

Little things restrain me. Perhaps I built a wall of commodities around myself to contain me. A wall I have to dismantle to come to a new direction.

For I have to change course, not being able to follow the path I started.



Thursday, August 25, 2016

Friday, August 19, 2016

Children again.
In the first ten years they are sweet puppies.
Sorrow and joy are not very far from each other.
In the second ten year span, they are becoming themselves.
I’m trying to accept the adults they seem to grow into.

Can they welcome my aging?

I just hope that in the end we can appreciate one another.


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Waiting.
Waiting for things to happen, or for the time to pass?
I would like to turn back time, if I could.
No, that’s not what I would like.
To step out of time and exist parallelly. 
No, not to exist.

Oh, yes I want to exist, I just don’t want to be ill.
And I don’t want to turn back time. I want to go forward.

Trying to find meaning in waiting. It is not just a practical thing; it’s a step between two moments in time.
Going with the flow.



Friday, August 12, 2016

Solitude again.
Coping with loneliness. Music helps. Doing something helps too. Being ill doesn’t help.

I was a busy bee, now I am depending on help.
The illusion of being independent seems far away.
It is not bad to be in need of aid. It is worse not being able to give a hand.
I am happy having someone around to support me.

It is like freedom; it is all inside. Keeping the fire alive.



Thursday, August 4, 2016

Doubt.
I always had a problem with being sure.
Although I have no trouble making a choice or having an opinion, I find questioning myself and everything and everyone around me one of the most important things in my life.

Often I give the impression as if I would be doubtful. I am not. Just unwilling to be positive. Every now and then I am, but mostly I’m ready to inquire.

Asking questions, questioning oneself and others or other things, is an act of freedom. A basic existential right.


Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Trust.
Trust is about giving. Not only about expecting something from someone. Confidence requires courage. It is about daring to believe in the goodwill of someone, in the course of life.

It takes spirit to depend. Just as it takes spirit to be boldly independent. It is like finding freedom in restrictions. The freedom is inside.

You can only feel free bearing inner liberty within you.



Saturday, July 16, 2016

Destiny.
I never was a believer in destiny. Always trusted my own will power. It seemed to me that belief in a higher authority than yourself, human or non-human, led to dependency and the delegation of responsibility.

Now I can see that faith may bring comfort.
When the force of will is not enough to guide you through the days, it can be comforting to rely on someone or something else.

Still, looking for reassurance and consolation is not a good reason to give up my conviction. Things happen, not necessarily for a reason. There is no destination.



Friday, July 15, 2016

Letting go.
There are things I thought of as essential.
I found that they were inseparable attributes of my existence. They depicted me, defined me. I was fond of details. Whether it concerned the way I dressed, or the books I bought, I was keen on controlling the tiniest point.

There is freedom in letting go. That should bring consolation.

Now I can control my thoughts, the ‘paper’ allows me to do so.



Friday, July 8, 2016

Patience.
Patience is a moody friend. It comes and goes.
Sometimes it abandones me, when I want to rely on it. Then it surprises me with it’s company, when I expect it the least. Every now and then it goes hand in hand with acceptance.

Acceptance plays hard to get with me.

I’m going to stick with patience, at times it seems almost the same.



Monday, July 4, 2016

Time.
When I was a child time was dripping slowly like honey. It consisted only of today. Then came tomorrow, the day after tomorrow became reality.

I could look back upon yesterday’s scars.

Now it is a rapid stream, dragging all sorts of debris along. Carrying me towards a roaring cascade.

It doesn’t frighten me. I seek order in the current, in the flow of time.



Saturday, July 2, 2016

Question.
What makes you the person you are? Or the person you think you are?
Your thougths, your actions, the reflection of others?
Your abilities, your achievements, your history?
Your independence? All of this together?

What if you are deprived of some, or all of this?
Can you still count on being the same person? 
Be seen as that?

Can deprivation change who you are?